a lesson in self forgivness

So it's been a while since I've blogged but things have been crazy...good... hard but crazy!! I went to Mexico with the youth group and it was so awesome! I love my youth group friends. They are just amazing.... but that's not what this blog is about.

I've been doing some thinking about my past few years, and some of the dumb stuff that I have done.... well... there's been a lot to chose from to be honest. I recently emailed 2 of my former best friends (does that make me sound so jr. high?!) and apologized to them for all the drama I had caused them. I had put them through pretty much hell, and an exhausting, frustrating, emotional roller coaster. I had been meaning to send this email to them but kept putting it off. I thought after i sent it I would feel lighter, like a burden that had been removed, but I didn't. I felt the same, a little worse because I kept relieving the awful times. I kept wondering why I didn't feel.... redeemed I guess. The more I thought about it I realized, I don't need their forgiveness, I'm pretty sure they already forgave me, what I need is God's forgivness, and then my own forgiveness. The concept of forgiving myself seems a little weird, but a few years a go when I was living at Joshua and I had been tramatized a friend asked me "You've forgiven this person, but have you forgiven yourself?" I don't forgive myself, I punish myself for too long, and too harshly. Why do we have such a hard time accepting God's (who is perfect and merciful) forgiveness, but we can't accept our own? Or I can accept a perfect stranger who hurt me to be forgiven, but when I mess up I constantly remind myself of my errors. If Grace is free, why do I, why do we, reject it? I don't know. After being a christian for over 13 years I still can't come close to grasping Redemption, Mercy, and Grace. Will I ever?

cults ARE crazy

So last week I was driving up to my church when I noticed a man standing at one of the entrances with a walkie talkie. I immediatly thought... ooohhhh... I wonder what game he's playing?! Then as I drove a little bit further up the rode to the next entrance I saw another man with a walkie talkie standing next to my father. Then I thought... ooohh i bet its a fun scavenger hunt! (no joke those are my thoughts). As I am turning into the church I realize there are a ton of picketers lining the streets. They have signs saying "HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SIN" and then "YOU'RE PASTOR IS A HYPOCRITE". I was like this is NOT a fun scavenger hunt. These people found out that a women in our congregation agrees with gay marriages... so they thought that our church was this awful church that was preaching on sin. They told my pastor "How dare you allow sinners into your church". It was insane. They were yelling at people, telling us we were all going to hell. It was quite the scandal in our quaint little town. Anyways I want you guys to check out this site and see how crazy... seriously crazy... cults can be!! It was NUTS!!

http://www.churchofthedivide.org/ and then click on the picket of FBC and then watch the video. How do they justify their actions? They are condeming people and doing it in such a hateful way. Where is love and mercy, grace and forgiveness?! Again... crazy cults!!! :)

C.S. Lewis was a good good man

So I'm reading "A Grief Observed" right now and I feel (besides the chronicles of Narnia) this is the first Lewis book that I fully comprehend. Something he wrote just totally hit home for me
"But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away..." Lately I have felt like God was just hiding from me, I feel like I keep crying out to him and saying look how broken i am, and it's like I'm speaking to the still air. What comforts me? Knowing that other Christians, such as Lewis, have struggled, and have been in their valley and have felt abandoned by God. I know that He hasn't left me, i grew up in the church all my life, I know the Christian answers. I realized recently that my whole life I have made God just a man, and like so many men in my life I keep waiting for him to fail me. And his silence for the past two years has been a failure in my eyes. How do you make God... God? How do you make him perfect when you are surrounded by tragedy? How do you make him Mercy when you see victims all around you?
I know this isn't the typical blog that I would write.... but i felt i needed to write this all down. Don't worry I haven't lost my faith, but i feel like i'm standing at the double bolted door surrounded by silence.

myspace distracted me

So...... I'm back...... Kyle Smith threatned me and I had to respond to him.... he's intimidating!! Ever since I got myspace it was hard to keep up with blogging. So things are good. I moved into my new place which was fun since I was on crutches. I like my new place though, I have my own room for the first time since I moved out of my parents many moons a go. I have a cat named LaLa... she's preciouse. I have my Mel Gibson posters... and a picture of Kyle Smith playing with playdoh that says I love you. He's got a thing for me.

My sister is getting married in a few months so that's exciting. The dress that I'm wearing makes me look like a 1800's harlot... but at least I don't look like a marshmellow. But I think it doesn't matter how i look, it is all about my sister, and plus... it's family, I can't be really trying to impress my cousins... we like our family tree to branch out... at least sometimes!!!

So Braveheart is coming to theaters in october!! How awesome is that?! Well I'll write more fun things... and I will be more committed to my blogging family!! :)

How random!

So let me tell you all a little story that happened last saturday morning at 5:00am. (This story is based on actual events). I was asleep as most human beings are at 5:00AM on a saturday. I had been sick all week and was enjoying a full nights sleep of nyquil induced medication. Having probably a fabulous dream I start hearing "Heather.... Heather...... HEATHER!!!!" I look up and there are both of my roommates standing over me. In a not so sweet voice I said "WHAT?!" and my roommate replies "A tree limb hit your truck and there are 5 cops outside we need to go talk to them!" After she repeated it a few times I got up, threw a sweatshirt on and went outside. Let me tell you I'm wearing my Mexico sweatshirt that has a Cross on it and corona boxer shorts. Anyways there were about 6 cops... because I live in davis and we never can do things with just 1 officer, hanging out by my truck. This tree branch was HUGE. It dented my truck in 3 places and scratched it up. The cops had to drag it down the street with their vehicle. It was pretty exciting.
OKAY... my next story happened just the other day. I walk into my apartment and there are like 5 spiders greeting me. I HATE spiders. So I immediatly call my apt. office and tell my manager that there was "aracnaphobia part 2 in my apt." he said "I've only seen the first one." then i said i feel like if i turn on the water spiders will fall out. He said REALLY?! i was like and we're done making jokes wiht you friend. He told me that spiders can hold their breathe for a really long time and they have such long legs they step OVER the poison. uh-huh.... Davis is a fun place to live i'm telling you :)
I get to hang out with Stacey ALL weekend!!! She's even making me miss church!!!! dondondon!!!!!

Ya I flashed them!

So I need to share this story with you because I feel like you will be able to laugh at me. The other day I was at church and was so excited because I bought new clothes. And just so you know its always super windy at church. ANYWAYS one of my girls has crutches so she asked me if I could carry her hot chocolate for her. So I am juggling HOT HOT HOT chocolate, my coffee, my bible and my keys. All of the sudden this gust of wind comes out of nowhere. It flips my skirt up causing me to flash all of the people standing infront of big peoples church. I grab my skirt down and some how dump the hot chocolate down my shirt burning my chest. So I'm standing there in the rain with hot chocolate burning down me just in shock. Too mortified to even look at the people standing infront of the church. My jr. high girl was just laughing hysterically... so I just walked away. That's the last time I do something nice for anyone.

So I'm going to Mexico on saturday. Tijuana. I'm excited but kind of nervous because I might be driving down there and I'm just nervous about crossing the border. I don't think it's hit me that I'm the adult now. These kids expect me to have the answers and do everything right. SO weird!! I'm also in the midst of finidng a place to live next year which is sometimes a little over whelming! oh well!!

Oprah and I are tight

So on valentines day my friend got me a 1 year subscription to the Oprah Magazine.. aka a one year subscription to free therapy! I am so excited! Oprah is amazing... and she sent me a picture of herself with a quote... one day I'm going to be just like her!!
So things here are going well, my jr. high girls are keeping me busy but I love it. We went to this place called "Pump it up" with all the jr. highers. Its this inflatable place that has a basketball inflatabe thing... course inflatable ordeal, boxing, slide, just lots of FUN stuff! So one of the guy leaders recently sprained his ankels and is there for on crutches. I asked him if I could borrow them because I feel like crutches are just so fun sometimes! First off let me say that they were meant for a guy that is 6'4.... i'm 5'3. I am trying to run around with them and then I try to lift myself off the ground and flip forward. I didn't quite make it, my body twitched the crutches flew out from under me and I landed on my face. I quickly got up, slightly embarassed, thinking no one saw me... no one that is except for all my girls and half of our staff. I'm an idiot. I'm the biggest clutz ever!
I started laughing in my sleep again at night, and having conversations. I guess my roommate is getting a little creeped out by me laughing. She said it's kind of an evil laugh, and she goes to sleep in the living room. What are ya gonna do ;) :)