C.S. Lewis was a good good man
So I'm reading "A Grief Observed" right now and I feel (besides the chronicles of Narnia) this is the first Lewis book that I fully comprehend. Something he wrote just totally hit home for me
"But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away..." Lately I have felt like God was just hiding from me, I feel like I keep crying out to him and saying look how broken i am, and it's like I'm speaking to the still air. What comforts me? Knowing that other Christians, such as Lewis, have struggled, and have been in their valley and have felt abandoned by God. I know that He hasn't left me, i grew up in the church all my life, I know the Christian answers. I realized recently that my whole life I have made God just a man, and like so many men in my life I keep waiting for him to fail me. And his silence for the past two years has been a failure in my eyes. How do you make God... God? How do you make him perfect when you are surrounded by tragedy? How do you make him Mercy when you see victims all around you?
I know this isn't the typical blog that I would write.... but i felt i needed to write this all down. Don't worry I haven't lost my faith, but i feel like i'm standing at the double bolted door surrounded by silence.
"But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away..." Lately I have felt like God was just hiding from me, I feel like I keep crying out to him and saying look how broken i am, and it's like I'm speaking to the still air. What comforts me? Knowing that other Christians, such as Lewis, have struggled, and have been in their valley and have felt abandoned by God. I know that He hasn't left me, i grew up in the church all my life, I know the Christian answers. I realized recently that my whole life I have made God just a man, and like so many men in my life I keep waiting for him to fail me. And his silence for the past two years has been a failure in my eyes. How do you make God... God? How do you make him perfect when you are surrounded by tragedy? How do you make him Mercy when you see victims all around you?
I know this isn't the typical blog that I would write.... but i felt i needed to write this all down. Don't worry I haven't lost my faith, but i feel like i'm standing at the double bolted door surrounded by silence.
posted by Heddah @ 12:45 AM
2 Comments:
At 11:04 PM,
KS said…
Oh gosh heather, you are going to hell! haha jk BFFA!
I think most of us have felt the way you are feeling right now... And I don't know if there is a direct quick answer... For me, I had this idea of who God was and how he worked in my life, but my idea of God was so much like my earthly father and my idead of forgiveness was faulty. I saw myself as unworthy and unforgiveable, because my image of The Father was twisted (This is not saying my earthly father is a horrible guy, he's not... He is a good father that has acted out in his own brokeness). Has my idea of Christ changed? Yes. How can you make God... God? I don't know... For me, it was a complete life change... 2006 was a year for inventory and realizing how broken I was and then taking the proper steps toward healing... I'll be praying for you heddah.. I don't know if this comment helped at all... I guess what you can take from it is that you aren't alone...
I'm glad to see you blogging again!
At 11:08 AM,
Alyzzle said…
I'm glad you're blogging. We'll chat soon but I just wanted you to know I love you. And I love Kyle for telling you straight up that you're going to hell :)
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