a lesson in self forgivness

So it's been a while since I've blogged but things have been crazy...good... hard but crazy!! I went to Mexico with the youth group and it was so awesome! I love my youth group friends. They are just amazing.... but that's not what this blog is about.

I've been doing some thinking about my past few years, and some of the dumb stuff that I have done.... well... there's been a lot to chose from to be honest. I recently emailed 2 of my former best friends (does that make me sound so jr. high?!) and apologized to them for all the drama I had caused them. I had put them through pretty much hell, and an exhausting, frustrating, emotional roller coaster. I had been meaning to send this email to them but kept putting it off. I thought after i sent it I would feel lighter, like a burden that had been removed, but I didn't. I felt the same, a little worse because I kept relieving the awful times. I kept wondering why I didn't feel.... redeemed I guess. The more I thought about it I realized, I don't need their forgiveness, I'm pretty sure they already forgave me, what I need is God's forgivness, and then my own forgiveness. The concept of forgiving myself seems a little weird, but a few years a go when I was living at Joshua and I had been tramatized a friend asked me "You've forgiven this person, but have you forgiven yourself?" I don't forgive myself, I punish myself for too long, and too harshly. Why do we have such a hard time accepting God's (who is perfect and merciful) forgiveness, but we can't accept our own? Or I can accept a perfect stranger who hurt me to be forgiven, but when I mess up I constantly remind myself of my errors. If Grace is free, why do I, why do we, reject it? I don't know. After being a christian for over 13 years I still can't come close to grasping Redemption, Mercy, and Grace. Will I ever?